


Break Away From Everything

by spockandawe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Growing Up, Identity Issues, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, Loneliness, Teen Angst, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 14:32:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4439090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since you were just a wriggler, basically everyone’s hated you. It fuckin’ <em>sucks</em>, not like they’ve got any reason for it. There’s no justification for it at <em>all</em>, you’ve got some fuckin’ lowbloods hating on you because you’re practically at the top of the hemospectrum. What, is that supposed to be your fault? And then there’s people below you on the hemospectrum an’ yet somehow thinking they’re still supposed to be too good for you. How the fuck does that even work? Basically, the whole world has been out to get you ever since you were hatched.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break Away From Everything

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Higher Places](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4427690) by [brokenAmphora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenAmphora/pseuds/brokenAmphora). 



> Please note, the inspired by/remix block can be a little hard to miss if you're scrolling fast, so like linked above, full credit for this setting goes to [brokenamphora,](http://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenAmphora/pseuds/brokenAmphora%22) [(tumblr)](http://brokenamphora.tumblr.com) and their [Higher Places](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4427690) story! It's an interesting, fresh idea that I haven't seen before, so please go check it out!

                Ever since you were just a wriggler, basically everyone’s hated you. It fuckin’ _sucks_ , not like they’ve got any reason for it. There’s no justification for it at _all_ , you’ve got some fuckin’ lowbloods hating on you because you’re practically at the top of the hemospectrum. What, is that supposed to be your fault? And then there’s people below you on the hemospectrum an’ yet somehow thinking they’re still supposed to be too good for you. How the fuck does that even work? Basically, the whole world has been out to get you ever since you were hatched.

                Right, so it all starts just after pupation, when you meet Aranea. You come home from your first night of schoolfeeding an’ tell your dad all about her, she’s the prettiest, smartest person you’ve ever seen, an’ the two of you are meant to be. It’s serendipity, you’re fuckin’ sure of it. All you want to do is make her smile, but does she think you were good enough? Of course not. You’re too young to know it then, but of course not. That’s just the story of your fuckin’ life. All you ever wanted was for her to like you, but nothing _works_.

                So like, you do your best, you really do. You try so fuckin’ hard. One night you overhear her tellin’ a friend that she really likes music, an’ that day you go online an’ spend a big chunk of your stipend on some fancy-ass instruments. You go all out, get shit like a recorder made of imported offworld wood an’ ivory, real nice stuff. An’ you put a few days in trying to learn how to play it too, but does Aranea care? Does she even notice? Of course not, why would you expect anything else? You guess back then you were just too young to know better. You even bring your recorder to schoolfeeding and find a nice visible corner and do your best to play through the one song you’ve memorized during breaks, but she doesn’t even give you a second glance. You don’t remember exactly what you did to the recorder, but like two sweeps later you found the pieces of it under a pillow in a corner of your hive. Good times.

                What you realize eventually is that Aranea is ignoring you because she has her eyes on Meenah. Fuckin’ _humiliating_ , that’s what that is. It takes you basically perigees of tryin’ to figure out why you aren’t good enough, askin’ her what you could change to make it better, how you could get her to give you a chance. Takes forever, but finally she tells you she’s not interested because she’s flush for Meenah. …okay. You still don’t _get_ it, you don’t see what’s better about Meenah than about you. But okay. Whatever. It might hurt, but you’ve got better things to do than waste your time on someone who’s gonna just put you down like that.

                An’ like… you might’ve let it slip to Meenah that Aranea was totally into her. Couple reasons, right? For a bit, you’re pretty sure that Aranea is lying to you about her crush just to get you to back off. You thought you’d call her bluff. An’ hey, if she’s tellin’ the truth, why does she mind Meenah finding out? Doesn’t she want Meenah to know? So they can date an’ shit? But no, Aranea’s all pissed that you told her secret (if you can even call it a ‘secret.’ if Aranea’s turning you down it’s pretty fuckin’ obvious she has her eye on someone else, an’ who’s she gonna pick that’s better than you? a' course it’s gonna be the fuckin’ _heiress_ ). But whatever, why the fuck does she even care, she gets her fuckin’ wish, Meenah totally goes for it and they rub it in your face for fuckin’ perigees. Always talking together an’ holding hands and shit, right at the schoolfeeding building where they know you’re gonna see them. They fuckin’ _know_ you’re in the same schoolfeeding class, they’re just doin’ this shit to hurt you, but you can see through their fuckin’ bullshit.

                So basically, when you meet Rufioh, you jump at the chance to get away from Aranea an’ her games. Maybe your old friends just keep you around to make you feel bad, but here’s a chance to make new friends and get away from all that toxic bullshit. An’ Rufioh’s so great, he’s so nice an’ he’s never not friendly, it makes you feel all light an’ free, not like Aranea does dragging you down and doin’ her best to make you feel bad about yourself. The way Rufioh laughs just makes you want to smile, an’ you want him to smile when you laugh too. Lovin’ Aranea only made you miserable, but when you fell in love with Rufioh, it was like remembering how to be happy again.

                Right, so you go all out this time. If Rufioh decides to hate you for no reason like Aranea did, you’re gonna just fuckin’ die. You do your absolute best to fit in. You order a bunch a’ clothes like theirs, an’ it gives you an exciting little thrill to think about wearin’ all those bright, rebellious colors. You’ve hardly worn anything but black an’ grey, you wonder how impressed Rufioh would be if you showed up in all red, same color as an imperial battleship. You bet he’s never seen anything like _that_ before. You practice talkin’ in the mirror the same way he does too, an’ you think you look kinda cool when you call your reflection ‘doll,’ the same way Rufioh does. You order books on troll Japanese an’ stay up until almost midday workin’ on the lessons, just so you can impress Rufioh.

                No need to bother wondering, of fuckin’ _course_ it doesn’t work. This is a bunch a’ lowbloods hangin’ out in the woods, right, you wanted to fit in, make ‘em feel comfortable, try on a new look an’ see if it works for you. But you extend the frond a’ friendship an’ just get a slap in your face for your trouble. The lowbloods all look at you and just see _highblood_ , an’ how unfair is that? Not your fault your clothes came pre-distressed with the patches built in, what do they expect, you haven’t had time to wreck your clothes like they have, why aren’t you allowed to take a shortcut?

                An’ they’re all whinin’ and whisperin’ because you go home to flush out your gills every morning, not like you can help your anatomy. Your gills feel all sticky if you don’t get some water in ‘em, an’ even if they’re drinking the water straight out a’ the river here, you sure as fuck don’t trust it. Not your fault they don’t have the money to get proper running water in their shitty-ass treetop hives, an’ it’s definitely not your fault you can afford a drone to take you back home every sunrise. No, they just decide to hate you because a’ things you can’t fuckin’ help.

                It sucks, it fuckin’ sucks, they’re all tellin’ you that you don’t understand, like you haven’t been as committed to this stupid, shitty lifestyle as they are. No, they decide to make you feel bad about yourself, they refuse to understand that maybe you just wanna be accepted from who you are, an’ they make it real fuckin’ clear that they’re never gonna let you fit in the way you’d wanted to. Even when you try to get Rufioh to understand, he just shrugs, looks uncomfortable, an’ doesn’t make a single goddamn move to take your side. You went right home to your own nice hive, back in fuckin’ civilization, an’ never looked back.

                So you do your best to ignore schoolfeeding, right, Aranea and Meenah are _still_ dating, haven’t broken up yet, what the fuck. They’re still holding hands an’ spending all their time with each other, fuckin’ shameless how they’re still tryin’ to make you feel bad. You just spend all your time lookin’ forward to going home. An’ now that Rufioh an’ his friends have decided you make a good punching bag, not like you’re gonna go spend time with them either. For a few perigees, you spend most a’ your time online. It’s easier to _belong_ on there. There’s a million an’ one games out there for you to enjoy, plenty to distract you from how fuckin’ lonely you are.

                An’ hey, when you need something to cheer yourself up, you can afford to buy all the fancy gear you could want. Plus, since it’s all online, whenever someone decides they wanna try to push you around, you can just block their ass an’ it’s like they never even existed. It helps, y’know? You’ve been having a rough time, an’ this makes you feel like you have a little control for a change. It feels good to break stuff online, it lets you vent some a’ the shit that’s building up in real life.

                Plus, you meet Mituna. At first, you just keep running into him without knowin’ who he is, but his handle and quirk stick in your pan, an’ you start recognizing him on more an’ more sites. He plays the same games you play, he’s on some a’ the same forums, and eventually you manage to nerve yourself up an’ message him. He messages you back, you start trolling each other most nights (an’ way late during the day), an’ he’s something to distract you at schoolfeeding when your friends decide they’re too good for you an’ go off together, or decide it’s time to rub their relationship in your face.

                Eventually, it turns out that you an’ Mituna live real close together, he’s just over in the next schoolfeeding district, maybe a half hour drone flight from your hive. You invite him over to your place first, an’ he says no because ‘blah blah money blah,’ so you graciously offer to make the flight to his place instead an’ head on over the very next night. He’s got a lisp in real life, which is hilarious an’ ridiculous, but he doesn’t mind when it makes you laugh, an when you give him shit, he gives you shit right back. You feel like you can just be yourself with him, y’know? None a’ this fronting and socially-acceptable bullshit you have to pull with other people.

                So you spend fuckin’ _hours_ with him. All the time. Most nights that you can manage it, you come over to his hivestem an’ play games. He’s got a real nice system too, tells you he saved up for perigees to afford it. An’ he’s fuckin’ smart too, games are expensive, but half the time he manages to hack newest releases before you even get around to thinking of buying them. Probably good, he’s only got a shitty yellowblood allowance, if it took him that long to save up for the system, his game collection would’ve been real fuckin’ pathetic if he’d had to buy them all for real.

                You start swingin’ pitch for him real fast, maybe about a week after meeting him for real. You don’t know if he’s feelin’ the same, maybe not, ‘cause he’s not returning any a’ the little romantic gestures you try an’ make. When you find out he’s allergic to dairy, you make a point of bringing over expensive cheese and baked goods, little things like that. You give it up eventually, ‘cause he doesn’t seem to be following what you’re tryin’ to do, and hey, maybe he’s just a little slower on the romantic uptake than you are. You got a handle on romance real early, maybe he’ll catch on a bit later.

                An’ even if he’s not really followingyour romantic gestures, he doesn’t reject you like all a’ your other so-called friends, and he makes you feel like it’s okay to be _you_. You don’t even get that mad when he beats you at all his games, it’s still fun to spend time with someone where you feel free to be yourself. He beats you, you throw the controller across the room, he lisps at you to ‘sthtop, those thingth are expenthive,’ an’ you tell him he shoulda thought a’ that before he became a lowblood. It’s like a running joke the two a’ you have together, it’s perfect. You haven’t kissed him yet, but you’re still thinking that maybe one day he’ll see what’s right in front a’ his eyes, and in the meantime, you have a best friend.

                Yeah, you have a best friend until Latula comes along. She’s into games too, which is like yeah, okay, fuck off now, Mituna already has a gaming friend. But no, not even a perigee after she shoves herself in the middle of things, it’s all over. They’re dating, they’re fuckin’ kissing, oh yeah, sure, Mituna’s slow to get a clue that the perfect kismesis is here waiting patiently for him, but Latula shows up and just— _fuck._ You don’t spend all your time at his hivestem anymore, he’s always got ‘plans,’ or whatever shit, and you’re only over maybe one or two nights out of the whole week. When you finally get sick of bein’ treated that way and come over anyways, he an’ Latula are sittin’ there nice an’ cozy playing a game together. Without you _._

                You put that game system right through the window of his shitty-ass hivestem and go back to your home. In maybe a perigee, you start to cool down a little. You’re thinkin’ that maybe by now Mituna realizes how shitty it is for him to treat his best friend this way, an’ if he hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t’a reacted the way you did. It’s been a while, so maybe he’s ready to apologize. You buy him a new game system an’ everything, some a’ the newest games, an’ bring them over to his place.

                But even after you insist that Latula go away while you two talk, does he want to hear a word you’re sayin’? Of course not. He’s just throws all a’ your history together away, ignores your gesture a' good faith, all of that, just because Latula’s willing to kiss him flush. You don’t even get a chance to ask him out, he just shuts you out a’ his hive and Latula texts that if you bust up his door she’s got law enforcement on speed dial. You’re just left to stumble home all on your own. You smash that fuckin’ system yourself, leave it outside for a garbage drone to clean up. You don’t want to play fuckin’ video games ever again.

                So okay. Fuck. _Fine_. You’re alone again. Whatever, you’re a sensitive soul, other people like to hurt you, you’ve gotta protect yourself. So fine. You might not have any real friends that would give you the time a’ night, but you’ve got hobbies. You don’t need _anyone_ for those, it’s just you. You try art, teachin’ yourself to sketch and draw, carrying a little sketchbook around in your sylladex. That’s when you find the pieces a’ your old recorder and think about giving music another try. If Aranea ignored you back then, you’re just gonna get so good she’s got no choice but to be impressed. You learn to carve wood—maybe you’re not that great at it yet, but there’s something so calming about letting your knife bite into the wood, over and over and _over_. Even fashion, you play with that a little too. Findin’ the clothes you bought to impress Rufioh makes you cringe, you almost throw them away, but see, _fuck him_ , so you try cutting the cloth up an’ putting things together different, see how that goes.

                Basically, you’re tryin’ to figure out who you are. Any time you try to be yourself with someone, all they do is shut you down an’ make you feel bad about yourself, an’ you’ve had enough. See, the thing is, you’re lonely. You’re so fuckin’ lonely you can hardly stand it, an’ you can’t tell _why_ nobody wants you around. So you know what? Fuck who you are. You don’t care who you ~are~ because your life fuckin’ sucks. Video games, troll Japanese, all that shit, what did that ever get you? You acted like yourself with Mituna, and he jumped at the first chance to kick you out a’ his life. You need someone to like you, or you’re going to die.

                You’re doin’ pretty well with the wood carving, that’s a thing. And it’s nice an’ cool, maybe the shit you make isn’t that great yet, but you teach yourself some nice knife tricks and everyone stares whenever you decaptchalogue your projects onto your desk at school. Everyone’s talking about you an’ it’s fuckin’ _great_. You’re used to people talkin’ about you behind your back, but this is cool an’ interesting, and eventually someone has to agree that you’re cool an’ interesting too. You do little knife tricks while people talk to you, an’ it makes you smile when they can’t hide how it makes them nervous. You come up with silly little stories about what you’d totally do if someone was talkin’ shit and you found out, an’ you can see how it makes them uneasy. They’re not just making you feel bad about yourself now, you’ve got the power to throw them off balance too. It’s only fair.

                People watch you now, an’ it’s great. You have to nerve yourself up to it, but eventually you wear one of the old shirts you’d tried to impress Rufioh with to school too. It’s pure white except for your sign, an’ you have to nerve yourself up into wearing it out of the hive, but it gets you even more attention, an’ that counts as a win. You grin, feelin’ everyone’s eyes on you. Pure white in public! That takes globes. You do a sweet little knife twirl and leave it stuck point-down in your desk, and grin when you hear the people behind you whisper.

                So all the attention is great. Until it all goes wrong. After about a week or two, your schoolfeeder is there, pullin’ you over to the hallway and asking you to stay after hours for a little conversation, maybe bring your dad in for the talk too. The _fuck_. She brings in the district’s head schoolfeeder too, they’re all talkin’ about how your behavior seems to be a bit alarming, they’re worried, blah, blah, what the _fuck_. They’re all on and on about your attention-seeking, like yeah, no shit, why the fuck does anyone do anything if it isn’t to get some attention. You’re fuckin’ attention- _starved_ , it’s a basic troll need, none of your friends want you around an’ you’re gonna die if someone doesn’t give you a _little fuckin’ reinforcement_ one a’ these nights.

                What the fuck ever. The long an’ short of it is that you’re not allowed to bring a knife into school anymore, not even if it’s your strife specibus, or they’re gonna recommend you for corrective culling. It’s fuckin’ unfair is what it is. Nobody cares about Meenah disrupting the class with her shitty-ass fish puns, nobody cares that every fuckin’ person in the class is shutting you out and making you feel like shit, no, you bring in one fuckin’ knife an’ suddenly you’re the bad guy. Sure, maybe you were tellin’ some stories that looked a little threatening from the outside, but it’s not like you’d actually _do_ any of that shit. No, you try to assert yourself a little, protect yourself from the people tryin’ to hurt you, and all anyone does is take that protection away.

                So no more wood carving. No more knives. If you’re not allowed to do it at school, what’s even the point anymore? Not like you have friends over at your hive to see you doin’ it. You keep wearin’ as much white as you can get away with, because fuck everyone, that’s why. An’ you draw more now. You can’t really bring musical instruments to school anymore, you’re too old to get away with that kind of shit, but you’ve got your art. No reason for the schoolfeeders to take that away from you, what, they think you’re gonna stab someone with a pencil? An’ this is a good way to work through all your fuckin’ emotions. Not like you’ve got anyone to talk to. You’ve just gotta take care of yourself. Maybe during breaks between schoolfeeding modules, everyone else is standing around talkin’ together, but you’ve had enough a’ them all rejecting you. You just sit at you desk an’ draw.

                It’s… good for you. You’re still learning, but you’re gettin’ better, you’ve got all these cool ideas in your pan you want to get out. You want to make stuff with meaning, you want people to be able to look at your art an’ get some idea of just who you are inside. There’s so much _you_ in there that nobody understands, all you want to do is connect with someone who can appreciate that, but all they do is push you away. An’ you are improving. You’re drawin’ some things you’re real proud of, some stuff to express the pain you’re feelin’, you know? You think that maybe someone could see this art an’ really _get_ the sensitive guy you are inside.

                It all goes wrong when you try to show Aranea. Okay, so she an’ Meenah are still dating, who the fuck even sticks with someone for that long. An’ maybe you’re still nurturing a bit of a crush. Nothing major, just y’know. If she’s ever feels like she’s not getting somethin’ she needs from the relationship, you might be persuaded to give her another chance, that’s all you’re saying. You decide to show her a little of your art, because you think she might understand better than anyone, she’s known you since the first day of schoolfeeding.

                But then, when you show her your _favorite_ picture, all she says is, “Why is there so much blood?”

                You. Try to explain, but it’s real fuckin’ hard, okay, tryin’ to tell her that this is about your, your _emotions_ , all the private shit that you keep hidden an’ protected— But then fuckin’ Meenah comes over and flops right in Aranea’s lap, looks at your picture, an’ says, “His arms are different lengths.”

                Aranea smiles a bit an’ her arms are around Meenah’s waist an’ basically everything is the _fuckin’ worst ever_ an’ you don’t know why you expected anything different. Your cheeks an’ fins are burnin’ from humiliation the rest of the night. You’re done with art after that. You’re fuckin’ _done_. You burn all your sketchbooks, you never want to see the fuckin’ things again. Then it’s just you an’ your music. You’re fuckin’ running out of hobbies, no matter how you try to express yourself, everybody just takes the opportunity to shit all over you. No matter how you try to open up, your fuckin’ ‘friends’ take every chance they get to hurt you where you’re vulnerable. You’re six sweeps old, and you give up on all of them.

                A few perigees later, you play a game and the world ends. Good riddance, you don’t fuckin’ miss it. You aren’t surprised to see Meenah ruin things for everyone. Hell, you aren’t even surprised to see Rufioh doing a good job of fuckin’ up all on his own. You’re glad _you_ never got stuck with him, you don’t have to deal with him cheating on you with a nasty piece a’ work like Horuss. Sucks for Damara, but whatever, not like she ever did anything for you. Might be a little petty, but you’re not even all that sorry to see Mituna fry his own pan. Good job, congratulations on your shitty-ass taste in quadrantmates. Fuck, by the end, you can’t bring yourself to even care when Meenah decides to fuck shit up even worse, blows everything up, and kills the lot of you. Whatever. Why does it even matter at this point? Being killed sure upsets some a’ the others, and the only thing you regret is that Meenah isn’t in the afterlife with the rest of you to get some payback for the shit she’s done.

                Whatever, fuck ‘em all. It’s not like being one of them ever got you anywhere. Not like any a’ them were ever your friends, not really. What’d they ever do for you, but use you as a punching bag? Even now, in the afterlife, with nothing else to do for all eternity, none a’ them will even give you a second glance. So you try to move on, but where the fuck are you supposed to move on to? Not like you’re attached to any a’ your past. What did Beforus ever do for you? Ruined your life, that’s all it did. Alternia’s a little better, that version a’ you does better for himself than you ever got a chance to do, even if he’s still underappreciated an’ looked down on by people who should know their fuckin’ _place_.

                Basically, you’re fuckin’ sick of trolls. You’re done. You are so fuckin’ _done_. You’re practically ready to tune out for the rest of eternity, or however long you’re stuck here, but then you see the universe that the new game session creates. An’ hey, nice change of pace, it’s _not_ fuckin’ trolls. Your ‘friends’ give you shit for how much time you spend watching these aliens but whatever, you couldn’t care less what they have to say, you already know better than to respect their opinions. In fact, the more you watch these aliens, the more you’re thinking you don’t identify with trolls at all. Not like being a troll has ever done anything good for you. Not like being a troll ever made you anything but miserable.

                You haven’t had the space to figure out who you are, not for sweeps an’ sweeps, not while your friends won’t stop cutting you down long enough for you to find your feet. But now you sit an’ watch the aliens, take a breath, an’ take a step back from who you used to be. You look at the past, and that’s not you, you don’t want it, you don’t want anything to do with it. You just want to cut it away an’ forget it ever happened, an’ you want people to stop throwing it in your _face_. So you watch the aliens and wonder what it would be like if instead of being yourself, if instead, you were a human.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/125193746576/break-away-from-everything-spockandawe)


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